Attention Money Changers

Please stop putting my coins on top of my dollars.

Regarding Bullets

A bullet dodged is a bullet fired.

Regarding Incompetence

Working with incompetent people is like having a water balloon toss, except that instead of water the balloons are filled with diarrhea, and you never get to throw first.

Matt's Theory of Infinite Force

An infinite amount of force applied to a nearly empty toothpaste tube will produce an infinite amount of toothpaste.

Matt's First Law of Probability

A coin dropped in front of a vending machine will tend to bounce under the vending machine.